A Conversation with Mom-Mom

Mom...

I have a confession to make: I've missed you since the last cogent conversation we had.  This was that Sunday evening when you told me that you had something to tell me and I never knew what you wanted to say because the next day, you had a stroke and our scheduled conversation was one of disarray and nonsense.  I began to miss you even more when we realized your need for skilled care and we had to put you in a nursing home.  Only then did I realize that there is a possibility that you wouldn't be the spry woman that I've known all of my life.  I experienced grief like no other and went into a deep depression.  In all of my selfishness, I didn't thank God for your life...I mourned the loss of my Best Friend.

I did take it for granted that you were here in body.  I had this fatal denial that allowed me to not face the reality that one day you wouldn't be here.  I had this hope that since Pop-Pop didn't get to see me graduate high school or go to the prom that of course, you'd be there when I got married and you'd hold my first born just as you held many of us when we were born.  Was I fooling myself or was it just that thing called hope?

So, now that you're not here physically, I'm forced to talk to you in spirit.  I must admit that I'm a little creeped out about that...especially if I start hearing your responses!  I can't help it because I really need to talk.  You're the only one who ever understood me, even when I didn't understand myself... I don't think I need advice, I just want to be heard.  If there's a nugget somewhere, drop it on my head!

One thing that you always taught us was to be accepting of others, regardless of their station in life.  That's not always easy.  That's one thing I truly admired about you.  I try my best to emulate that behavior because I would like to think that I'm accepted also.  You gave me that terrible trait of wanting to be helpful to others and ironically enough, like you...I've been burned plenty. The burns and scars never stop me from wanting to be helpful, but why do people take advantage of others who are being generous to them?

Yes, I know...people ARE only people and that people do "peoplish" things and we're bound for disappointment when we put too much faith in people.  What about trust? OK...the same thing.  You know that I hold myself at a certain standard when it comes to some areas of my life.  Through being hurt and disappointed, I realize that it's futile to hold others to the same standards.  What happens when these principles collide and impact my ability to live a comfortable life?  Am I wrong to want more or to hold others accountable for how they violate my happiness?  I know that it also has a lot to do with my permission to allow them to violate.  I mean that by being passive and extra cautious to remain tactful, I fail to give what is needed...the hard, honest truth.  My failure causes me pain later on.

Mom, you know my situation and you know what has been keeping me up at night this past week.  I don't know what to do.  I'm tired of worrying and tired of being frustrated.  I'm tired of getting upset and being passive aggressive because I don't want to appear like a nag.  I hear you saying to hand it over to God and he'll fix it.  You know I've always had a problem simply letting go and letting God, and at this point, my sanity hinges on my choice.

Thanks for listening...

Nicky

Dearest God...

You know my heart and my desire.  I thank you for the blessings that you've given me and I thank you for the lessons that you've taught and are continuing to teach.  I'm lying my concerns at your feet right now and I dare not touch them again.  You've always taken care of me and I know that you will continue to do so.  You've always answered my prayers and I'm confident that you will answer this one according to your will.  I ask for patience and freedom from worry and frustration.  I know that the feelings that I brought to you are not of YOU.  I thank you for answering my prayer.

In Jesus' Name...

Amen

links: digg this    del.icio.us    technorati    reddit