Finally...I Think I Got It...Or Maybe Not.

Right before taking my BF to the airport, an incident happened that caused the relationship to dissolve.  I'm not going to go into details here because I'm tired of talking about it, but if you follow me on facebook...you know what happened.

I've always hated dating.  The entire pretentious dance that people do to attract one another is just soooo much work.  I mean, is it necessary?  One day, he's gonna see me in some raggedy underwear.  One day, he's gonna see me with no make up.  One day, he's gonna see my jelly rolls, cellulite, and my roots peeking through my obviously blonde curls.  It doesn't mean that I shouldn't take care of myself...that's insanity, but the intrinsic traits...do people even care about them?

I meet a variety of men and the moment they realize that I'm not going home with them...no matter how drunk I am, I never get the call they promised.  The moment they realize that I work for the government or own a house, I don't get the call.  The moment they hug me and I'm squishy and bumpy, I don't get the call.  Nevermind that my conversation is stimulating, the second round of drinks was on me, I made them laugh, my skin is flawless, and I have a fade that makes them ask for my barber's phone number.  Nevermind all of that.

Yes, I've tried online dating and it's just as bad as the club.  If you don't have supermodel photographs you won't get a second look.  If you do have supermodel photographs, you get told to your face how much you are deceptive because you damned sure don't look like the person in the picture....even if happen to be wearing the same outfit.  I've gone to parties, networking events, fundraisers, shows...yanno, the place where the caliber of men I'd like to meet would be.  Unfortunately, it's never women like me that they talk to or have hanging off their arms.  It's the ones who can't breathe because their dress is too tight, and they can't walk either because they're wearing 7 inch heels with their chipped and unpainted toenails dragging on the floor in front of them.  Yes, I am very serious. 

What I get is that men aren't interested in women who have direction in life.  If they are interested...their interest is to change it.  Like fools, many of us follow it - I've done it plenty.  When we get tired...we stop, sulk about it, and go on about our business.  Yes, I'm educated.  Yes, I own a home and a car that runs pretty decently.  Yes, I have a nice job that pays pretty good.  No, my credit isn't perfect but I'm working on it.  No, I'm not a supermodel, but I am beautiful.  No, I don't have any stalker ex-boyfriends or baby-daddies.  No, I'm not skinny...I like to breathe and eat too much for that mess. But I am a wonderful woman.  A good woman.  I am the kind that men long to take home to meet their mothers.  I'm giving - to a fault.  I'm non-judgemental and non-discriminatory, which have allowed me to lower my standards for the sake of companionship and simply giving someone a chance.  I've put myself out in order to help someone else - yet when I call for help...I hear no footsteps.

No, this isn't a pity party at all.  But I do want to say that I'm angry.  I'm angry that I've been taken advantage of by both family and friends.  I'm angry that I've been taken advantage of by men who claimed to have loved me and did nothing but lie and hurt me.  I'm angry at females that say they're my girl but I can't depend on them because they're self absorbed or secretly having a competition to see how many men they can attract.  I'm angry at the way people follow the patterns of society which tells us how we date and treat each other as men and women and disregard the true meaning of love and friendship in order to create families with children who have parents in seperate households and men who barely live because they're paying child support for some kids that don't even belong to them--and so that mama can get her nails done.

I thank God for learning opportunities.  I've learned that people don't appreciate genuine niceness and generosity.  I've learned that people do anything to get ahead in life to ensure that they're not left behind.  I've learned that I can only be who I am, so some things will not change. I've learned that pain is a part of maturity and only time makes it go away.  I also have learned that if things are meant to be...then so shall they be.

Lastly...I promise to myself to take care of ME first.  If I'm mean, leave me alone.  If I'm quiet, I might simply be listening.  If I say yes, you can depend on me to follow through.  If I say no, don't take it personal.  If I'm nice, consider it as a gift.  If I disappear and you don't hear from me within 72 hours, then call the cops, I might be simply taking care of me.

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