Is it really for me to rationalize?

I'd like to consider myself to be a caring person.  Sometimes I care a little too much. Sometimes, so much so that I get stressed over the most mundane things.  In all of life's lessons the hardest one for me to learn is that people are just people.  Although I have certain expectations for myself, I realize that it's not fair or reasonable to expect others to have the same or even remotely similar expectations.  What I've come to realize is that as I get older and as I continue to work towards my personal goals, it gets a tad bit more alienating.

As I analyze the holidays just past, I realize that for me it was a typical holiday.  After fussing about how I will not be purchasing gifts or doing anything spectacular, at the last minute I found myself purchasing gifs for those I care about and even making a surprise trip home to visit my family.  As much as it was fulfilling in doing these things and seeing how people reacted to the meaningful gifts that I gave, it was slightly hurtful for the sentiment not to be reciprocated.  It really doesn't take money to show someone that you care, so the economy isn't an excuse in my book.  Of course, I came into this year vowing not to do what I've done in previous years...no more helping with Christmas gifts, no more purchasing and surprising.  Although it feels good initially, the reality hurts.  It only hurts because I forget the fundamental principle that people are simply people. It says nothing about the individual, but people in general are selfish and care about personal survival.  When I give gifts from the depths of my heart, it's my hope that someone cares just as much for me.  Apparently, my expectations are unrealistic.

Yesterday, I noticed a picture of an associate surrounded by her closest female friends.  It was energizing to know that those types of friendships still exist. I've never had a lot of female friends and as I've gotten older, at this point I don't think there's anyone that I know will call to make sure I'm ok, or that I can call if I'm locked out of my house or if the car breaks down.  When I indeed need someone, it's painful to realize that I do have 2 really great friends that will take care of me when I'm at my lowest.  The irony is that one lives several hundred miles away and the other, although he doesn't have a car...I know that once the "Bat Signal" is released, he'd beat anyone to find me.  The reality is that both are men.  Sometimes as a woman, I long for good female friends.  Someone to shoot the breeze over some coffee, tell me that I really do look fat in my jeans, and that he really wasn't good enough for me. 

There's something different about having male best friends...they forgive you after a disagreement, they don't get jealous when you start dating, they carry your bags when you go shopping, they help with things around the house and tell you which tools you really need.  On the other hand, it's nice to talk "girl stuff" with other women.  It's quite a challenge to discuss my female issues with the guys.  I don't know if they even understand me or if they are just pretending to listen.  Whichever it is...it works...lol.

After thinking about this last night and even having a dream about it, one of my goals this year is to meet other professional women that are appropriate for meaningful friendships.  For me, this means that they have to be somewhat similar to my station in life.  I mean, it would be nice to have a maid (matron) of honor in my wedding if I were to marry.  I have to admit, I'm not opposed to having a "best man" too.  It also would be nice to know that if I were too drunk to drive home, if she weren't there I could call her and she'd come pick me up (I really needed that a couple weeks ago!).

I know that for any of this to occur...I must also be a friend to her.  After all, it begins with me.

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