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It's THAT Time Again! (VENTING)
Every year it seems that I get depressed between Thanksgiving and my birthday. I don't know what it is, but the holiday season has always got me glum. I enjoy the gift-giving and being with others, but I think that my expectations are too high. I never had anything really wonderful happen during the holidays or around my birthday to make me change my view of life during this season. I always get weird, crummy, or unpractical gifts...meanwhile, I always go out of my way to make sure the people in my life feel special. I wonder if anyone ever pays that much attention to me. OK...I know at most 2 people, and they aren't even family.
As a person, I never thought that I required much...I just wanted to know that someone in the world cared about me in some way. I live a modest lifestyle where I can take care of myself, but care doesn't require extravagant gifts (or gifts at all). Sometimes, it just requires a call to see how someone else is doing (not necessarily to dump your issues on their already full plate!). The irony in this is that even when I was in relationships, I still felt the same way - longing for connection and the security that the person that I was with indeed loved me. Of course, THAT is a 2 way street...one I'll talk about at another time.
So here I am, a week from my 30th birthday. No, I'm not excited about it - I'm actually in a state of depression right now. Yes, I have so many things to be thankful for...my career, my job, my car, my family, a few decent and close friends. I've got that, but I don't have inner peace, I feel stressed, I feel tired and I can't rest, I feel like the walls are closing in and I just want to disappear. (No, don't get it twisted...I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else - I can't rationalize, therefore I won't do it.) I want to disappear knowing that someone will miss me or perhaps come looking for me. Is it one, or everyone that I've looked for or rescued that will try to find me?
The only moment where I truly feel one with peace is right before I close my eyes to sleep...and typically in 2 hours, that peace is disrupted by the loudness of insomnia.
I've gained like 7lbs and my face is starting to get round from the steroids I've been on for the last month (I've started rheumatoid arthritis treatment again - IT'S BACK!). As of tonight, I'm weaning myself off of it. I know that this could mean that I may go through a period of disability...but someone will be here to help brush my teeth, wash my backside, and help me dress when the pain has paralyzed me. Right? (I'm not going to hold my breath on THAT one!) It's better than even thinking about heading in the direction of almost 300lbs because the drug you take to make your pain go away also makes you eat like there's a shovel attached to your wrists. Personally, I can't afford it. 30K for gastric bypass (and the loss of 200lbs) and 2,500 for the clipping of the batwings (an additional 7 lbs)...that's enough to make anyone consider anorexia. No worries...my stomach makes too much noise and I'd be a Mega-Beeyatch if I didn't eat...so you guys lucked out on the anorexia thing.
Before I go (my lunesta/xanax combo is kicking in), I just would like to say that although I love my barber...today he made me look like G.I. Jane! I am officially bald! (I'll post a pic soon).